News Release 2004-2
January 23, 2004
Drinking and Sex Don’t Mix
We recently finished two trials that led to the conviction of two teenage men for the rape of five teenage women on San Juan Island.
I urge you to talk with your children about why drinking and sex don’t mix. I am concerned that if parents don’t take a lead in the discussion, someone else will, and you won’t like the consequences.
During one of the trials, I was alarmed when the defense counsel described the teens as doing what adults do—and that consuming alcohol was a natural way to loosen inhibitions and; that sex was "just sex," as if it were a recreational pastime and not a cherished aspect of a relationship.
So, please, talk to your children, their cousins and friends. Get involved in their life. Know their friends. Know where your children are and what they are doing. Talk to them about drinking and drugs. Talk to them about sex. Don’t assume that they are going to learn the right lesson from others, from school or from their friends. Despite the importance of friends in the life of a teen, a parent remains their biggest influence.
What is an adult to say? I believe in simple, clear messages. I offer two: (1) Don’t drink or take drugs; and (2) Don’t take off your clothes.
But, I would be remiss to stop here. We know that young men and women may disregard clear, simple parental rules and, at times, experiment with alcohol, drugs and sex. Just how does a parent have a discussion about "responsible" alcohol and "safe" sex? Every time I have started down that path I run smack into the moral morass over the abstinence and prevention. Does a discussion of "responsible" drinking and "safe" sex mean that you support a wrongful activity?
Because the issue is complex, you shouldn’t shy away from it. Take it in steps. Discuss what you are comfortable talking about with your children, and then move on to the more difficult topics. The point - and its worth repeating - is that young people need your guidance and will engage in the difficult conversation. Remaining silent in the face of a moral morass is not a good choice.
As a prosecutor, I pointed out the legal penalties to the perpetrators (detention, jail and fines), or unintended consequences to the victims (loss of virginity, pregnancy, disease and emotional trauma). I have found that most teens know the law and the consequences and neither one necessarily works as a deterrent.
Teens should not drink because drinking obscures judgment. And, when judgment is obscured, one is less likely to be able to communicate effectively. By "communicate effectively," I don’t only mean that one’s speech is slurred. I mean the ability to speak and understand words and behavior. Young women need their wits to do a good job of saying "no" and young men need their wits so that they understand "no" whether it is spoken or conveyed by a young woman’s behavior.
Another reason for clear, simple rules is that emotions, feelings and expectations may cloud good judgment, even without alcohol. This doesn’t mean parents should create "contracts" with their children about drinking, drugs or sex. There are other things we can do to help our teens stay clear of risky situations, and assure that they do what you want them to do instead of what they feel pressured to do.
Think about what strategies work for you. Next, think about what strategies will work for the young people in your life.
If you need ideas or would like to share your strategies, then join us for a workshop:
Orcas Island
"Understanding Teen Sexuality and Communicating More Effectively About Sex"
Monday, February 2, 2004 at 7 p.m.
Orcas Island School Library
Sponsored by the Orcas Island Prevention Partnership
Friday Harbor, San Juan Island
"Parenting your teen through hard times, in hard times –
Information, discussion and support"
Two separate 6-week group workshops (you may sign up for one or both sessions):
Times: Wednesdays, 12 noon - 1:15 p.m. (Brown Bag Lunch)
Dates: February 4, February 11, February 25, March 3, March 10 and March 17
Contact: Cere Demuth - 378-3322 or email at cere@rockisland.com
or
Christopher Kranz - 378-5215 or email at ckranz@sjisd.wednet.edu
Sponsored by the Friday Harbor High School PTSA and the
San Juan Island Family Resource Center
If you are a parent or mentor to a middle school or high school student, I hope to see you there.
Randall K. Gaylord
San Juan County Prosecuting Attorney
350 Court Street, 2nd Floor
P.O. Box 760
Friday Harbor, WA 98250
(360)378-4101